The Bull

A man takes his wife to the cattle market. They come up to a bull, and his sign says, “This bull mated 50 times last year.” The wife turns to her husband and says, “He mated 50 times in a year; you could learn from him.”

They proceed to the next bull, and his sign says, “This bull mated 65 times last year.” The wife turns to her husband and says, “This one mated 65 times last year. That’s over five times a month! You could learn from this one, also.”

They proceed to the last bull, and his sign says, “This bull mated 365 times last year.” The wife’s mouth drops open, and she says, “WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That’s once a day! You could really learn from this one.”

The man turns to his wife and says, “I’ll bet it wasn’t 365 times with the same cow.”

I need it to poison my husband

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy!

I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law!

I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now. That’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

Just Like My Wife

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up
her skirt and began fondling her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

We're In Trouble...

The population of this country is 300 million.

160 million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 15 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.

Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city Governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are,

Sitting on your ass,

At your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice.

tacocat

I want to join this damn church!

A grumpy old man walks into a local First Baptist Church and says to the secretary, “I wanna join this damn church.”

The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?”

“Listen up, dammit. I said I want to join this damn church!”

“I’m very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church.” The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor’s study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?”

“There IS no damn problem!,” the man says. “Looky here, I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money.”

“I see,” said the pastor. “And is this bitch giving you a hard time?”

Christianity

The belief that some cosmic Jewish Zombi can make you life forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him that you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree.

nerds vs. geeks

A 'nerd' is someone with an extremely intense interest or fascination in an academic field of study (often an obscure field). Being a nerd is typically associated with intellect, as they often enjoy specialising in complicated fields of study. Nerds may also have difficulties socialising with others, as many tend towards being introverted. This may cover a broad range of interests, from movies to games (video and table-top), to more practical skills such as computer science. Nerds often have gained a strong and diverse skill set from their studies and experiences, which may at times, be unorthodox or impractical.

A 'geek' is someone with an interest or lifestyle having to do with very niche activities. It is not uncommon for a geek to be capable of reciting large amounts of knowledge that are unintuitive, intriguing and at times, just plain disturbing. Geeks can vary in their interests, from fun and sometimes even frivolous things, to heavily technological interests. Geeks often have gained vast amounts of knowledge and are capable of reciting them in a very succinct (or long-winded) manner. The knowledge could be anywhere from the mundane to 'living encyclopedia' status.

home depot scam

A"heads up" for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th 29th. Also December 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.

P.S. Walmart has wallets on sale 2.99 each

The truest definition of Globalization

Question:

What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer:

Princess Diana’s death.

Question:

Why?

Answer:

An english princess with an egyptian boyfriend crashes in a french tunnel, driving a german car with a dutch engine, driven by a belgian who was drunk on scottish whiskey,

followed closely by italian paparazzi on japanese motorcycles;

treated by an american doctor, using brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by an american, using Bill Gate’s technology and you are probably reading this on your computer,

that uses taiwanese chips and a korean monitor, assembled by bangladeshi workers in a singapore plant; transported by indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by sicilian longshoremen and trucked to you by mexican illegals…


That, my friend, is Globalization!!

iPad

- iPad: You only need to plug it in once a month

- Wow - its the iPad. Wonder if it comes in 2 sizes (maxi and mini)

- I guess it's Apple's "time of the month"

- The Apple iPad: for all your heavy flow days

- Our little iPod has hit womanhood

- iPad? Didn't I have to run out and get some of those for my wife the other night?

- And the professional version will be known as Max iPad

- I hope the iPad has wings for extra nighttime protection

- How will people in Boston tell the difference between the iPad and iPod?

Wrong Number?

"Hello?"

A girl's voice came over the line.

"Can I speak to Ben, please?"

I live by myself, and my name definitely is not Ben. It was probably a wrong number. Of course, it was also a dull evening, even for Indiana.

"I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Can I take a message?"

"Do you know what time he'll be back?" she responded.

"I think he said he'd be home around 10:00."

Silence on the other end...a confused silence. I had a live one.

"Is this Steve?"

My name isn't Steve, either. This was definitely a wrong number.

"Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?"

"Well...he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him..." she said in a slightly irritated voice.

I must have sounded a lot more like Steve than I had thought.

I replied, "Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago, and said that he would be back at 10:00."

A shocked voice now: "Who's Karen?!"

"The girl he went out with." (I've seen Fletch several times).

"I know that! I mean....who is she?" (She must have seen Fletch, too....Or is that Fletch Too? Whatever..)

"I don't know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message for Ben?"

"Yes...please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home."

She was sounding pretty irate at this point, and I could hear her temper flaring. Now would be a good time to call an end to the charade.

"I sure will. Is this Jennifer?"

She exploded this time. "WHO'S JENNIFER?!"

Apparently she wasn't.

"Well...he's going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I thought you were her. Sorry...it was an honest mistake."

"Ben's the one that's made the mistake! Tell him that ALICE called him and that she's VERY UPSET and that I would LIKE HIM to CALL ME as SOON AS HE GETS HOME."

I smiled and said, "Okay, I will...but Becky isn't going to like this..."

"BECKY?!?!?"

"*click*"

Your Recent Order

EAR MADAM:

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YOU ASKED FOR THE LARGE RED VIBRATOR AS FEATURED ON OUR WALL DISPLAY.

PLEASE SELECT ANOTHER ITEM BECAUSE THAT IS OUR FIRE EXTINGUISHER.

Pay Raise

A maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Your husband said so."

Wife: "Oh."

Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Your husband did."

Wife: "Oh."

Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."

Wife (really furious now): "Did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Senora, the gardener did."

SHE GOT THE RAISE!