THE OSTRICH

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and

turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order.

"That will be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and

pulls out the exact change for payment.



The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and

the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."



Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again.

"The usual asks the waitress?"



"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato

and a salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.



Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and

places it on the table.



The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir.

How do you manage to always come up with the exact change

in your pocket every time?"



"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and

found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered

me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,

I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money

would always be there."



"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a

million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want

for as long as you live!"



"That's right…Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce,

the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"



The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick

with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."

Dying Husband

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to, " his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied, "now just rest and let the poison work."

Tired Dog

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep..

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out..

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3. He's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

Good Manners

During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:

"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."

The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."

The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word ''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant."

And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner."

nude statues in a park

There were these two nude statues in a park, male and female, who always stared at each other.

One day, a wizard came up to them and said, "this is your 200th anniversary so I am going to give you just 30 minutes of humanity so spend it well."

The wizard waved his wand and the two statues went behind one of the big trees and the wizard heard giggles laughs and saw a little hanky panky but nothing much.

After fifteen minutes they came out exhausted and the wizard asked why don't they do it again so as not to waste their 15 minutes.

The male statue said to the female statue "Ok, but this time you hold the pigeon and I crap on it."

Alzheimer's Test for Modern Seniors

Alzheimer's Test for Modern Seniors How fast can you guess these words? 1. F_ _K 2. PU_S_ 3. S_X 4. P_N_S 5. BOO_S 6. _ _NDOM ----------------------------------------------------------------- Answers: 1. FORK 2. PULSE 3. SIX 4. PANTS 5. BOOKS 6. RANDOM You got all 6 wrong....didn't you? Don't worry. You don't have Alzheimer's. You are just a pervert

32 Reasons why Cookie Dough is better than men.

1. It's enjoyable hard or soft.
2. It makes a mess too, but it tastes better.
3. It doesn't mind if you take your anger out on it.
4. You always want to swallow.
5. It won't complain if you share it with friends.
6. It's "quick and convenient".
7. You can enjoy it more than once.
8. It comes already protectively wrapped.
9. You can make it as large as you want.
10. If you don't finish it you can save it for later.
11. It's easier to get the kind you want.
12. You can comparison shop.
13. It's easier to find in a grocery store.
14. You can put it away when you've had enough.
15. You know yours has never been eaten before.
16. It won't complain if you chew on it.
17. It comes chocolate flavored.
18. You always know when to get rid of it.
19. You can return it--satisfaction is guaranteed.
20. It's always ready to go.
21. You won't get arrested if you eat it in public.
22. You don't have to change the sheets if you eat it in bed.
23. It won't wake you up because it's hard.
24. You don't have to find an excuse not to eat it.
25. You can tell your friends how much you've eaten without sounding like
you're bragging.
26. It won't take up room in your bed.
27. It's easy to pick up.
28. You never have unwanted cookie dough chasing you around.
29. You know what the extra weight is from.
30. It won't get jealous if you pick up another one.
31. It never has an insecurity problem with its size.
32. It is very pliable.

TENDER MOMENTS

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

You know what Martha?'

'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

'I'm beginning to think you're just friggin' bad luck!'

Underwear Is Important

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle...From the Northwest Florida Daily Newscomes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

She took a deep breath and stood up boldly to face the crowd. She looked across the hood and found herself staring at herhusband, who had been standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

Why Dogs Are Better Than Wives

Dogs don't cry.

Dogs love it when your friends come over.

Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.

Dogs think you sing great.

A dog's time in the bathroom is limited to a quick drink.

Dogs don't expect you to call them when you're running late.

The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.

Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dogs name.

Dogs are excited by rough play.

Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.

Dogs can appreciate excess body hair.

Anyone can get a good looking dog.

If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

Dogs don't shop.

Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.

Dogs never need to examine the relationship.

A dog's parents never come to visit.

Dogs love long car trips.

Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.

Dogs don't hate their bodies.

No dog ever bought a Kenny G. album.

No dog ever put on a hundred pounds after reaching adulthood.

Dogs never criticize.

Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

Dogs never expect gifts.

Dogs don't worry about germs.

Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their life.

Dogs would rather you buy them a hamburger than a lobster dinner.

You never have to wait for a dog, they're ready 24 hours a day.

Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.

Dogs don't borrow your shirts.

Dogs never want a foot rub.

Dogs can't talk.

Dogs aren't catty.

Dogs seldom outlive you.

New Bra

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the crap out of him.

Prison vs Work

IN PRISON . . . you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK . . . you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON . . . you get three meals a day.
AT WORK . . . you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON . . . you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK . . . you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON . . . the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK . . . you must carry around a security card and open all the
doors for yourself.

IN PRISON . . . you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK . . . you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON . . . you get your own toilet.
AT WORK . . . you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON . . . they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK . . . you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON . . . all expenses are paid by the taxpayer with no work required.
AT WORK . . . you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then
they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON . . . you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK . . . you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON . . . you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK . . . they are called managers.

Skinny Dipping

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and looks it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee..

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Problem Gambling

During an IRS audit, the auditor looked at the tax payer and exclaimed...

... "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, and urinates all over the desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."